Failuresque

I reached my 50th summer book.

All quite large, some impressive, some stupidly and incredibly bad.

Mostly average, just like the person who got into reading them with such passion.

School starts next week and I am not even sad or revolted- which is weird, weird, oh so weird.

I’ve been away these past two weeks – travelling a teeny-tiny bit in my almost nice country. I saw some mountains, wandered in some woods , touched the sea, breathed polluted air. Met some beautiful people, been scared by others, failed remarkably and cried a little bit too much for I am so so so weak. Incredibly weak.

I am home again, now. And I am tired and hollow and literally expressing my feelings like some hormonal teen girl on tumblr. Oh wait. I am a freaking teenager. Proceed with caution.

Oh, wait another second, my jokes are bad and my life is sad. Or.. maybe not.

God, I am totally ungrateful for my chances. I should be. Different.

Anyway.

I felt like writing because I like talking and I have nobody to talk to or nobody to get me or nobody that refuses to blame me for things.

You see, I really function like a failure.

But that is quite fine, I suppose.

Unless you are a lonely and quite impossible to understand failuresque person, like myself.

I’m going to stop now, for my coherence is gone.

I don’t know where.

P.S. My country is beautiful, you should come around sometimes.

P.P.S. Problem is.. it is in my head, but you probably can enter it through my ear, even if I don’t have nice ears, I am not an elf.

P.P.P.S. I’ve just had a revelation. I think van Gogh cut his ear to let people in his nice country. People refused and thought he was mad. He probably died believing it as well.

Hello world

My name is Ana. And it is really difficult to write this post for the same cliche reason people have been evoking for ages when trying to say something coherent about themselves – I don’t know and I lack the ability to try to find out something pretty interesting or not-weird-at-all or in any way memorable to say about myself. For that particular reason, I’m just going to go with the basics, so that you can form a mental picture of who I am and this moment of “Ana-say-hi-to-the-internet” goes on smoothly. No lists, though. Even I find listing things about yourself a little bit over the top. Whatever, you may have different opinions. So.

I was born on the 13th day of one particularly hot summer. I have a middle name, but is just as common as my first one. I have a great family, but I mostly lack friends ( that might be a thing that happens because I apparently am too idealistic for this “big bad world”. Meh.)and, for that matter, any type of huge need for human affection that you could expect from a person my age in a society like ours. I love learning – and by that I don’t mean that I swallow whole physics textbooks as a hobby or in any way approve to the way our educational system is shaped. By learning I mean acquiring information about the universe around by any means and with any risks – I mean art and a deep admiration for nature or having late philosophical talks with somebody that gets the way you think. My life is pretty much gravitating around school, for I really used to enjoy it whole back in my middle school years, when some stuff seemed way more manageable. I’m in high school now and everything got pretty much way more chaotic than I’d thought. The fact is, despite having a decent middle school life ( especially when it came to interacting with other human beings , speaking up in class and all that fun stuff ) I used to dream of high school the same way other girls dream of the ideal guy. Wholeheartedly. Sure it would turn out to be the absolute best time of my life. And once again, by the best time of my life I certainly don’t mean parties or underage drinking or a whole new world of romantic encounters – nope,not at all. I dreamed of a new bunch of people that would actually stop being prototypes, some people in which I could see potential friends, some people that shared some of my too crazy dreams of being able to make my life count in some sort of way. Not that all my classmates are bad, some are kind of friendly actually, some are funny, some are people that feel comfortable sharing some of their time with me , talking about mostly useless stuff or fangirling over this and that. There are others, though, that go with the “respecting-the prototype-going-all-tumblrish-and-we-hate-each-other-but-why-does-it-even-matter-when-we-can-make-you-feel-terrible-our-squad-is-the-center-of-the*known-universe” type of thing. I don’t hate them, I don’t think I hate anybody at all, I just have to suffer because of them , once in a while, and the things that such people do or say regarding me came hunting my strong lack of balance during the summer holiday.

Anyway.

Ending my bigger than I initially intended talk about how delightfully much high school sucks from the social point of view when it comes to my lovely person, I will go on .

I inhale and exhale books and words and all and I regret nothing . I read because I probably am unable of managing this life in a grand way. I red because I need people to understand and to be understood by, I read because of my great fear of being trapped. A claustrophobia extended to planet Earth. ┬áLeaving the self explanatory style aside, I have to admit that I read lots of things, but I currently have my fantasy period, though I highly enjoy everything that catches something in me, some sort of freaky part of my mind and drags it around the pages. I can’t totally suffer sloppy, useless, stupid romance, though, the same way I don’t agree with people judging books by being part – or not – of the prestigious group of classics – untouchable through time. Contemporary books can prove to be better than old literature , but I guess that is some sort of a taste discussion I am not ready to dive in. The important thing is, I am simply fueled by literature,in general.

What I hope I am going to write here is basically on the worthy topic of books and on the far less interesting thing that the way I understand life is.

Thank you if you read this.

so. hello again, world. i’m ana and i got a lot to tell.