No, it is not. Life is rather weird and it becomes even weirder and more difficult and complicated and weird and difficult when you have the incredibly destructive habit of overthinking it. Like I do.
Today officially was the third day of school. And against my expectations of failed human communication, I still felt fine around people. Damn it, I am truly exaggerating right now. I just.. I figure I have this interior defensive mechanism that somehow allows me to be ok and feel kind of fine, some sort of thing that makes me stand straighter, speak more coherently, look people in the eye, keep my chin up and my steps and breaths even. Some sort of thing that doesn’t allow me to think too much when feeling like I have something funny to say, that does leave me to being, to laughing too loudly and talking too much, to being proud. The problem is, there usually comes the time after that, when I get home, my feet sore from walking, my hair a mess and my hands stained with ink, when it all comes back to me. All the laughing and the jokes – that seem freaking stupid, all the walking straightly and the attitude that I could have kept for another time. For it is not totally real, but rather something that I could have been, I suppose. The problem is, there comes the time when all that put up confidence returns and feels like salt on burnt skin. Because damn, I’m vulnerable in front of myself. Because the moment I feel fine , something black and shiny and uncomfortable catches my eye and becomes bigger and bigger against the law of physics.
Maybe that’s why I despise school so much. I don’t know, but I’m really frustrated at this particular moment, because I’ve started transforming this into a cliche thing and I really feel like avoiding that.
A smarter affirmation would be, tho, that I’ve noticed that the 21 hours I’ve been in school since Monday have killed all the creativity and replaced it with frustration. And I don’t want to fall in the same pattern of hatred and self sufficiency and lack of self control and desperation and limitations that left me numb and indifferent and then sad. I think I’ve simply decided that the time has come to make the most out of what I have. But , in order to achieve that, I first need some joy and some harmonious days and some good books and cold weather and some silence and a good night’s sleep and harmony with myself again. And I need to work hard and stop wasting my time and work hard a little bit more.
I just hope I can pull it off, this harmonious autumnal life.
Because, you know, life is not a sparkly bubble of soap.