Life is not a sparkly bubble

No, it is not. Life is rather weird and it becomes even weirder and more difficult and complicated and weird and difficult when you have the incredibly destructive habit of overthinking it. Like I do.

Today officially was the third day of school. And against my expectations of failed human communication, I still felt fine around people. Damn it, I am truly exaggerating right now. I just.. I figure I have this interior defensive mechanism that somehow allows me to be ok and feel kind of fine, some sort of thing that makes me stand straighter, speak more coherently, look people in the eye, keep my chin up and my steps and breaths even. Some sort of thing that doesn’t allow me to think too much when feeling like I have something funny to say, that does leave me to being, to laughing too loudly and talking too much, to being proud. The problem is, there usually comes the time after that, when I get home, my feet sore from walking, my hair a mess and my hands stained with ink, when it all comes back to me. All the laughing and the jokes – that seem freaking stupid, all the walking straightly and the attitude that I could have kept for another time. For it is not totally real, but rather something that I could have been, I suppose. The problem is, there comes the time when all that put up confidence returns and feels like salt on burnt skin. Because damn, I’m vulnerable in front of myself. Because the moment I feel fine , something black and shiny and uncomfortable catches my eye and becomes bigger and bigger against the law of physics.

Maybe that’s why I despise school so much. I don’t know, but I’m really frustrated at this particular moment, because I’ve started transforming this into a cliche thing and I really feel like avoiding that.

A smarter affirmation would be, tho, that I’ve noticed that the 21 hours I’ve been in school since Monday have killed all the creativity and replaced it with frustration. And I don’t want to fall in the same pattern of hatred and self sufficiency and lack of self control and desperation and limitations that left me numb and indifferent and then sad. I think I’ve simply decided that the time has come to make the most out of what I have. But , in order to achieve that, I first need some joy and some harmonious days and some good books and cold weather and some silence and a good night’s sleep and harmony with myself again. And I need to work hard and stop wasting my time and work hard a little bit more.

I just hope I can pull it off, this harmonious autumnal life.

Because, you know, life is not a sparkly bubble of soap.

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Failuresque

I reached my 50th summer book.

All quite large, some impressive, some stupidly and incredibly bad.

Mostly average, just like the person who got into reading them with such passion.

School starts next week and I am not even sad or revolted- which is weird, weird, oh so weird.

I’ve been away these past two weeks – travelling a teeny-tiny bit in my almost nice country. I saw some mountains, wandered in some woods , touched the sea, breathed polluted air. Met some beautiful people, been scared by others, failed remarkably and cried a little bit too much for I am so so so weak. Incredibly weak.

I am home again, now. And I am tired and hollow and literally expressing my feelings like some hormonal teen girl on tumblr. Oh wait. I am a freaking teenager. Proceed with caution.

Oh, wait another second, my jokes are bad and my life is sad. Or.. maybe not.

God, I am totally ungrateful for my chances. I should be. Different.

Anyway.

I felt like writing because I like talking and I have nobody to talk to or nobody to get me or nobody that refuses to blame me for things.

You see, I really function like a failure.

But that is quite fine, I suppose.

Unless you are a lonely and quite impossible to understand failuresque person, like myself.

I’m going to stop now, for my coherence is gone.

I don’t know where.

P.S. My country is beautiful, you should come around sometimes.

P.P.S. Problem is.. it is in my head, but you probably can enter it through my ear, even if I don’t have nice ears, I am not an elf.

P.P.P.S. I’ve just had a revelation. I think van Gogh cut his ear to let people in his nice country. People refused and thought he was mad. He probably died believing it as well.

Sagrada Familia – in which I recommend something and write nothing about Barcelona

Hello people

Welcome (back)

I’m here to talk mostly about my life today, no excess of bookish stuff, but artsy stuff going on – fun fact – I actually mess around with brushes paper and paint when I don’t read and I’ve been loving Antonio Gaudi since I was 10, I think. Just so you know.

NOTA BENE (in which I am going to recommend you some things the whole world has already heard about, probably *better late than never*)

I want to share something with humanity. I found these pretty epic, e p i c , E P I C things to listen to today, while searching numerous variants of “He’s a pirate” because today, people, 16th of June ’15 I watched the first “Pirates of The Caribbean” film and “awesomeness” is the best word to describe it. I don’t know about you, people, but I love Jack Sparrow forever and I honestly believe Will Turner is kind of more beautiful than Legolas. I don’t know yet,we will see. So. While overusing YouTube in order to find some epicness to listen to, we (me and my lovely lovely friend) stumble upon this “almost-weird-but-not-that-weird-because-internet-offers-us-way-weirder-variants” type of name – “Two Steps From Hell” – and we are like “Um, I don’t know, what type of music can such a name inspire? But, know what, the pictures are cool, let’s give it a try”. And damn, I am so fantastically happy that we did because – 1. I figured I love this type of music – it is liquid inspiration and such a lovely base where your imagination can start doing its own nice work. , 2. We realized that THAT song from absolutely every cool movie (or maybe not, but I don’t know, that particularly familiar song) is called “Heart of Courage” and it was like “Woah, I feel like I’ve lived under a rock for a while, but that is totally fine, I am illuminated now.” aaand 3.I want so badly ┬áto save the world after listening to these for a while. Save the world or write an epic fantasy crucial for humanity series. Save the world, write a humongous and wonderful set of books OR read one. But, the urge to save the world right now is unbelievable. Really, go on YouTube, find this channel and try something random, all seem pretty.. you know, making you want to be fantastic type of things. So they are great and you’ve probably heard of these a gazilion years ago but for my fellow hobbits, here you go. Also, check out Mozart’s “Lacrimosa” is so unbelievably beautiful that it made my heart shrink and expand repeatedly. So beautiful it leaves a hole in your stomach. So beautiful your inner tiny world crumbles for a while.

So, if you feel in the mood of being the totally capable of saving the world human being with a huge soft spot for Mozart and art, check these out. They might make your day the same way they made mine.

I am pretty incoherent today, But I am pretty happy as well so I guess incoherence goes just fine with joy.

Also, I wanted to mention that I read “The Night Circus” by Erin Morgenstern (lovely name, lovely name, you are even more welcome if you get what I’m saying ) the other day and liked it a lot – not like a love story or fantasy story working by itself, but like a fantastical love story between the circus and the reader – all about the ambiance in this book and I loved that. When I decide to shut this device I am writing from down and get my kindle near, I plan on starting a dystopian series by Marie Lu, called “Legend”, I think ( that is the name of the first book, anyway and people seem to enjoy it loads, I hope I like it as well). I’ll see.

Anyway. That was all.